My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
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The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
seems fine
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Golf would be better with landmines.
These 3D printers are insane!
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented