My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over