Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”