Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
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My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.