Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
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Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.