what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
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“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
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Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
The Birdles
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.