No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
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A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day