Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
You Might Also Like
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I have written yet another poem about laundry
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.