Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
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2022 will be better than 2021
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…