*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
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The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy