Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
You Might Also Like
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Breaking news:
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”