Please donโt block me ๐๐๐๐
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dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[bank]
Matt Damon: โIโd like to make a deposit.โ
Teller: โChecking orโฆโ
Matt Damon: โPlease, donโt.โ
Teller: โSavings, Private Ryan?โ
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
adding โfull stopโ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, โwill somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.โ
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i donโt see it anywhere you think youโd notice it i mean itโs at least 5, 6 feet wide
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way youโd react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose โotherโ and put โyou know what you did.โ
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: Theyโre drawing on the walls!
Me: I said Iโd watch. I didnโt say Iโd intervene.
โA broken clock is right twice a dayโ isnโt really true anymore because my office microwave says itโs 88:88 oโclock
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Well I guess itโs time to learn my kidsโ names.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir