please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
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just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
This is Sparta
No, YOUR illiterate.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
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If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“you recording!?”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
☠️☠️☠️
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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows