popsicle not seeing heaven 馃槶
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Me: I hope you don鈥檛 mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you鈥檙e reading this, I want my boomerang.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
God: How鈥檚 it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you鈥檇 be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Hotel clerk: You鈥檙e eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i鈥檓 so embarrassed. i can鈥檛 be seen getting into this car. i鈥檓 running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
If my neighbor doesn鈥檛 want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn鈥檛 become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.