Previously On Persistence 😎
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“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Are you ok, human???
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.