My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
🤣dope
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa