Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. π€·ββοΈπ
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: Whatβs the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): α΄ΎΛ‘α΅α΅α΅α΅α΅Λ’Λ’Λ’α΅
i donβt have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I donβt know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
π₯π£
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Letβs change our spelling
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Her: Iβll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.