Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
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Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
i smell a pulitzer
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.