VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
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Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Just a friendly reminder!
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Worth a try
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions