sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
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The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit