8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
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Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me too door. Me too.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Bless you
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now