Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]