Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Morning my dudes.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.