saving face 👀
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dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
rise and shine we got egg
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.