Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
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What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.