(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
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Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?