[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
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Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card