So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
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Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*