So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit đź’€
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
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My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!