JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
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Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here