Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
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Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
sir, my pâté if you please
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.