Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Talk about a bad egg
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan