Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
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dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Cheers Twitter.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
This tweet has been deleted
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems