My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
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Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*