Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
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*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
same bro
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year