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My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.