THE AUDACITY. 馃槫
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Death certificates are our last participation award.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn鈥檛 because this isn鈥檛 the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 馃榾
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don鈥檛 have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Don鈥檛 talk to me until I鈥檝e had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Me at 23: I can鈥檛 believe someone called the cops on us, it鈥檚 only 1am!!
Me at 43: It鈥檚 10 o鈥檆lock and they鈥檙e still making noise. Call the cops.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I鈥檓 angry, too
Someone: he doesn鈥檛 look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Eggs benadryl my favourite
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[blind date]
Me: [text] I鈥檓 down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I don鈥檛 drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.