The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
You Might Also Like
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Every work meeting this week
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
mom had nothing to worry about
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“Huge”.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.