The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
my retirement plan is braless
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?