Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
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Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.