The internet is undefeated.. 😂
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Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
spicy snake
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)