The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
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If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Lassie, get help!
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.