The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
What’s faster than an escalator?
An esca-sooner
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet