The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 馃し
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Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don鈥檛 know.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Tax tip: Even if it鈥檚 true, never list your dog as head of household. They鈥檒l roll over under audit.