The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 馃し
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The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can鈥檛 even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord鈥檚 morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
[phone w/ fianc茅]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don鈥檛 know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything鈥攐r they might take everything. – BM
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A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he鈥檚 just not that into you