The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

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[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!


Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*


Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.


Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows


I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts


Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.


I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”


I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.


Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.


I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.