@tommy_charm

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

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@joejwest

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

@AimeeHelene1

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

@primawesome

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

@bopinklady

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

@bridger_w

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

@SamGrittner

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

@AllieGoertz

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

@Parkerlawyer

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

@BryMastas

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

@Sanbel11

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.