the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
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Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?