Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
You Might Also Like
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Traveler’s camo
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call