There is so much going on in this video โฆ I donโt know who to focus on ๐๐๐ hilarious
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Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course Iโm looking at those instead of watching where Iโm going
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesnโt talk.
Weโre lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: Iโm just a good old fashioned country boy, I ainโt need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine maโam
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50โs gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldnโt afford a car.
HOW DARE YOU
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
๐คท๐ฝโโ๏ธ๐คฆ๐ฝโโ๏ธ๐ฉ
Call me cute and Iโll bite your kneecap.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. Weโre gonna be the only family up there cause Iโm looking after the joint.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I donโt follow washing instructions, youโre my clothes you donโt tell me what to do
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity