This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
asking santa clause for nudes
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.