New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.