This is so me 😂😂
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Just parrot things
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
The best plant holders?
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Don’t make me out nice you.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.